I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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