even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
