Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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