so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
