think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
