he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
