You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
