you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
