just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
