Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My penis needs a shock collar
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
