My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
