You just made me feel so damn special
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
