I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
