I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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