He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
