Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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