They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
