Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
