Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Oh god it's open bar.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
