I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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