I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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