he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
