She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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