apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
