You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
