Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
