sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
either way he was missing a nipple.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
