trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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