He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
