Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
