Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
