if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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