I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
this boner is exhausting
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
