So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
