I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
foreskin is a definite game changer
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize