Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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