I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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