Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
4 words: hood of his car
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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