Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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