She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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