what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
cat food counts as protein by the way
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Randomize
