I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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