I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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