I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
