the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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