life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
God, I missed his penis.
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