we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
