My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
please don't ironically join a cult
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