You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize