Betty ford says i'm here all night
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
