I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
