What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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