My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
