I think im going to throw up on grandma
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
