I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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