Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize