My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize