when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
