Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
