does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
