I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
