someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
