gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
