If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
