Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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