I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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