Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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