she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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